Sat, May 13 2000

So this was allot harder than I thought it would be.. I mean I had anticipated it being difficult re-living the events in 2000 BUT my mood the rest of the day after posting my last journal entry was a bust I was cranky and emotional etc. SOOO I am going to post this date in its entirety but be prepared for summarys' from here on out...

12 years is a long time....

I have been thinking allot about this years post, if I will or should post.. do I have anthing new to say?  I have felt a pull to share some things from my journal I kept through out our experience... I don't know why, but I have just read about half of it and my eyes are swollen and wet but I'm glad I've read them... I can't really explain why I'm glad just that there are actually some things that I've forgotten (never thought that would happen) but reading some things sparked memories and feelings that I guess I needed to feel... so if you continue to read (which by the way you do not need to one bit)... I'm starting this early because I'm pretty certain I won't finish this post today... not sure if I'll break up the post as of yet but come along with me on the journey of re-discovery of MY experience living between my home and the Pediatric intensive care unit for 20 days... almost 12 years ago!

first my journal, I am admitting right here and now that I suck at keeping any kind of diary or Journal, I have started one at least a dozen times through out my life... and they all have anywhere from 20-50 pages written in them then the rest blank...  this one is no different and I only admit this because I didn't have a current journal etc. when Lane was born so on the way to the Children's hospital we stopped at a pharmacy or something (don't really remember the circumstances) and my MIL Sheri, said she needed a notebook, she didn't bring hers from home but she wanted to write what was going on and start a Journal... I thought that was a good idea for me too we kind of joked and said we'd make Lane read it as a teenager to hopefully trim down his teenage hatred of his parents etc.   so I found one so did Sheri (another thing I should have said I wanted from her things that I didn't even think about is her journal from that time... something to remember if it is still even possible to get.. probably not though) she was far better at writing in hers she would do pages and pages where I probably did 1 or 2 at a time...

the 2nd picture is of the front pocket as it looks TODAY... I kept tons of scraps of paper with phone numbers, there is a scrap with funeral homes, who we wanted to speak at Lane's Funeral etc. the PICU family instructions.. a menu to the hospital cafe (which we only ate at a hand full of times) my nursing/pumping schedule is written on the flap and a picture a great woman sent me of a group of kids with Lane's same condition... the sticker on the front "HERO" was a sticker I was given after Lane's surgery as they wheeled him out...

OK now i've decided I will separate these posts I'll do the first day (which actually was written on his Surgery day and re-caps the week prior so it's allot) here then after I'll do a new post for each day (or couple of days)... if this is too much please don't read it..I won't be offended AT ALL!

some things speak to my soul

So I have been in kind of a funk lately... we LOVE LOVE LOVE where we are, we are getting to know people and our way around and I do feel some roots taking hold BUT, it doesn't quite feel like home YET... I know it will come, it always does but if you know me you know I'M IMPATIENT!!!

I would love it if I just made ONE fantastic friend and we could gab for hours on the phone then go to lunch or the Temple or what ever.. yes I am homesick for my girl friends.. thankful to modern marvels I don't have to even pay for long distance so I do talk to my good friends very regularly BUT I have to admit I do feel a void and really realize now how much I rely on my friends.. I never really bought into the whole "it takes a village" theory of parenting BUT I'm guessing now I'm admitting that it really DOES EXHIST and I BELIEVE in it now!!! (although because I was taking advantage of the theory all along its not really new to me right??) all it took was a short phone call and my kids had rides to what ever was going on and splitting the trip happened... granted here we aren't driving nearly the distances (I don't even have to hang out at the church during mutual I'm so close I drop off and pick up YEA!.).. so its the relationships I miss...

Also if I'm being completely honest I'm approaching May which brings Lane's birthday and anniversary of his Death and people here don't know me, or all of my story yet (although I did share some things in a talk I gave in church last month).....

I have been addicted as of late to Blogs related to special needs kids and some blogs from Mothers who have experienced a child loss one in particular spoke to me this morning

http://www.hopesmilingbrightly.com/2012/04/what-i-said-to-audience-of-700-grieving.html 

I am totally getting this book on the Kindle TODAY which will only up the amount of books I have waiting for me to like 20 (most of them were free, I'm a little addicted!) but it will be moved to the top of the list pronto...

I will be OK,  I do have faith, and I am doing all I know to do to "put myself out there" and make friends I know I can't just sit around and wait for people to come to me, I have had some fantastic interactions with some great women and with time I do know I'll have great friends and support system.. again I'm IMPATIENT.. but I'm working on it...

in the meantime enjoy my beauty, we got to go to the Atlanta Temple on Saturday with her Activity Day group, they walked the beautiful grounds and got a talk from a member of the Temple Presidency, to see all of these girls so excited for the opportunity to have Eternal Families.. I was brought to tears more than once to see the wonder and Excitement in my daughters eyes.. we got to see a BEAUTIFUL bride exit the temple with her sweet new husband.. KayLea has had lots of questions lately about how Temple weddings work, she's hooked on shows like "say YES to the dress" and some other shows that show weddings/brides etc.. so it was good for her to see yes, it may be different than what you see on TV but THIS is where you want to get married!!! because its for ETERNITY!!!...
anyway here are some pictures that I also had fun learning some new photo editing with a fantastic new editing site thats FREE (for now) .. I'm sure there evil plan is to get me hooked then start charging but if I can learn it (and its super easy) then it might be worth it.. I've been avoiding buying photoshop at all cost... so this might be my ticket out!!

here she is!

 Ta Ta