12 years is a long time....

I have been thinking allot about this years post, if I will or should post.. do I have anthing new to say?  I have felt a pull to share some things from my journal I kept through out our experience... I don't know why, but I have just read about half of it and my eyes are swollen and wet but I'm glad I've read them... I can't really explain why I'm glad just that there are actually some things that I've forgotten (never thought that would happen) but reading some things sparked memories and feelings that I guess I needed to feel... so if you continue to read (which by the way you do not need to one bit)... I'm starting this early because I'm pretty certain I won't finish this post today... not sure if I'll break up the post as of yet but come along with me on the journey of re-discovery of MY experience living between my home and the Pediatric intensive care unit for 20 days... almost 12 years ago!

first my journal, I am admitting right here and now that I suck at keeping any kind of diary or Journal, I have started one at least a dozen times through out my life... and they all have anywhere from 20-50 pages written in them then the rest blank...  this one is no different and I only admit this because I didn't have a current journal etc. when Lane was born so on the way to the Children's hospital we stopped at a pharmacy or something (don't really remember the circumstances) and my MIL Sheri, said she needed a notebook, she didn't bring hers from home but she wanted to write what was going on and start a Journal... I thought that was a good idea for me too we kind of joked and said we'd make Lane read it as a teenager to hopefully trim down his teenage hatred of his parents etc.   so I found one so did Sheri (another thing I should have said I wanted from her things that I didn't even think about is her journal from that time... something to remember if it is still even possible to get.. probably not though) she was far better at writing in hers she would do pages and pages where I probably did 1 or 2 at a time...

the 2nd picture is of the front pocket as it looks TODAY... I kept tons of scraps of paper with phone numbers, there is a scrap with funeral homes, who we wanted to speak at Lane's Funeral etc. the PICU family instructions.. a menu to the hospital cafe (which we only ate at a hand full of times) my nursing/pumping schedule is written on the flap and a picture a great woman sent me of a group of kids with Lane's same condition... the sticker on the front "HERO" was a sticker I was given after Lane's surgery as they wheeled him out...

OK now i've decided I will separate these posts I'll do the first day (which actually was written on his Surgery day and re-caps the week prior so it's allot) here then after I'll do a new post for each day (or couple of days)... if this is too much please don't read it..I won't be offended AT ALL!

First day of Journal:

Friday May 12th, 2000

Well, where do I begin? so many things have happened over the last week that it seems like a lifetime has gone by,

First and most important is that Lane McKinnon Fox was born Monday May 8, 2000 @ 6:05pm he weighed 8lbs 0 oz and was 22 inches long, he looked so perfect! Ben got to hold him right away and he instantly fell in love with him he held him through the 2nd half of the c-section and for most of my recovery, the hosp. was really nice and let me go back to the LDR to recover instead of the OR recovery where I wouldn't have been able to see the baby Sheri and the boys got to see him and play w/ him. Kim&Zach&Jenna also were there (they picked up Sheri from the Airport and had the boys) so many people were SO Supportive and helpful!

Anyway back to the story: That night when I was resting a Nurse Practitioner came to tell me the news... Lane had turned blue during a feeding of sugar water, it wasn't something that was horribly alarming but she felt she needed to do some further extra watching... she put him on a Oxygen monitor and realized that his oxygen levels weren't where she would have liked, normal for us is in the 90's and his was in the upper80's.. again not allot to be concerned about but another red flat to look into other things, when she proceeded she found a heart mummer which is not un-common for new bornes but it didn't go away so they did a heart ultrasound which found that the left side of his heart was not developed and thats where the roller coaster ride began...

They found the defect and they decided to transport him to Cooks Children's Hospital the "team" that they sent were WONDERFUL, they described everything they were doing down to the detail it was so hard to see him go Ben and I were both a ball of emotions.. Before they took him Bro. VanDremmelin gave him a blessing it was such a sweet blessing and it calmed me down instantly he was so nice to come and do it!.

So he went, I wanted Ben to follow the Ambulance but they suggested he stay with me and after I was glad he stayed I needed him and he needed me.. we needed each other more than ever before!!

Anyway, after he got to children's Hosp. they re-did the tests and confirmed the results and transfered him to the Cardiac unit of the Paediatric Intensive Care Unit...

taking a short break but I'll be back...

(same day)

OK, here is where we are they've transferred the baby, I'm still in the hospital and Ben and I are a ball of mess they re-confirmed the diagnosis and tell us it's HYPOPLASTIC LEFT HEART SYNDROME.. which means his left heart is not developed at all.they told me in the hosp they want to do surgery,no one is there to tell us what kind of surgery or what are the risks etc I just wanted to get out of the hosp. I felt so helpless anyway by the next day (wed) I was released from the Hosp, my parents flew down with Grandma Merry and we were ready to go to the Children's Hosp and find out everything.

We sat down and spoke w/ Dr. Alexander, he's a cardiologist he explained all of what HYPOPLASTIC LEFT HEART SYNDROME (HLHS) is about etc. he kept telling us its a very serious ting I kept thinking/hoping there going to come in and say this is all a mistake they are going to come in any minute and say we were wrong you can take your baby home.. But it hasn't happened the baby looks good you'd never know he was a sick boy he's big etc.

anyway, tomorrow (thurs) we meet w/ the surgeons to get the scoop on whats going to happen Friday..

On Thursday we meet w/ Dr. Henle he & Dr. Fox are the surgeons that will work on Lane. He was so nice he explained everything so clearly so we could understand everything. He says we are looking at 2 weeks after surgery if all goes well of having Lane home. He also was very honest he told us all that could go wrong, and theres allot, but I still feelgood about wow everything is falling into place me having a c-section so we were at the hosp. longer etc. the fact that we live so close to Children's hosp etc.I just feel blessed and Lucky!

Friday Surgery Day (today) finally caught up!

We woke up today at the crack of dawn, I woke up at 3:30am and decided to pump, I think I've overstimulated my milk i only have to pump about 5 min. to get 4oz. anyway I went and dropped off Ben's traffic ticket that was kind of an ordeal but at least its taken care of anyway we got to the hosp. a little after 6am, normally we wouldn't have been able to see him @ that time but because its surgery day we got to spend as much time as possible w/ him it was a great visit he was a little alert at first the nurse said he had a good night. Bro Van came to help Budd give him a blessing it was a GREAT blessing Budd gave it.. Bro Van said a short prayer before the blessing both combined made me really at ease.. after that we got to stay with him until they took him to the O.R. that was the BEST VISIT Lane really woke up he opened his eyes and was alert I was on his right side holding his hand and he had my finger gripped it really tight, he was looking at Ben who was on his left side eyes wide open its like he was telling Ben that everything was going to be OK Ben teared up he's had such a tough time looking at Lane and I think this really helped him ALLOT.

They wheeled him in and we got to kiss him goodbye that was really tough.. I kind of lost it but Ben put his arm around me and I felt allot better.. and then the wait began.. the schedule was first they would put another line (iv) in either his arm or foot then they would give him his anesthesia and should take about an hour and then they would call when the surgeons started the surgery,they called and said he accepted the anesthesia very well and that they wouldn't call again until they were totally done and that ment "no news was good news" Bro Van gave Ben and I blessings he is such a great man, he said in my blessing that Lane is a very special boy w/ a very special purpose I've really felt that too, he also said that there are ancestors that have already passed on who are looking out for Ben and me and guiding the surgons hands he also said through the next few days/weeks I would be given insight into his pre-mortal birth and small glimpses of his life to come..and that I should be prepared to listen when they come.
Ben has really become very attached to Bro. Van,I wish he was our Home Teacher,But he almost has become like one he has really come through for us.

More waiting, Ben's friend Andy from work came by and we got to stretch our legs it gave us a nice distraction we mentioned that we thought we were at about the 1/2 way or a little more than 1/2 way mark.. we were down stairs for about 15 minutes we cam back upstairs and they and just called and said that the surgery was over.. that Lane had come through very well, so well he didn't need any medicine to come off the Heart/Lung Machine.. Budd took the call and he said the nurse that called sounded "almost gitty".. that was so encouraging I almost broke down and it was like something was lifted from my chest.."he was going to be OK" we could see him go from the OR to the ICU 45 min. after the call, we all practically high fiving each other, I just melted in Ben's arms we hugged so tight we both just sobbed in thankfulness... when they brought him out the anesthesiologist was so great she stopped for a while she pointed out that he pinked up more we had always thought his color was good anyway but his hands,cheeks ears were really pink she made us feel really good! she let us kiss him goodbye while they got him set up at the ICU we could see him in about an hour.. an hour and a half went by and we started to get concerned but he just had a little more bleeding and they had to clean him up which meant opening the chest again it was OK the next24-48hours are critical but he's OK! 

ok this was harder than I figured it would be but i'm committed.. this post of my journal was how I wrote it BUT I think in some cases i'm going to sumarize we shall see how that goes.. i'll post the next day's entry tomorrow!
ta ta