Here we are again

So tomorrow will mark Lane's 11th Birthday, AND Mothers Day... This coincidence has only happened one other time and both times I don't realise it until the day or two before.. that is probably a good thing.. The last time his Birthday fell on Mothers day the anticipation was SO MUCH WORSE than the actual day.. the day it self ended up being very special and healing. 

I recently had a dr's appt for a physical.. for my new job and because I volunteer at Girls Camp every year I have to have a physical.. because we moved I got a new doctor and going through my medical history of coarse the 4 c-sections and the fact that I only have 3 living children to show for it and the fact that because of Lane's Heart Defect the whole family family is at more risk for Heart disease/defect it has to be mentioned (not that I would omit it ever, but its a conversation that can't be avoided is the point).. My new Dr. I really like she is young and has a 5 month old baby she just recently came back from maternity leave so I don't know if that played a factor but the conversation got quite a bit deeper than the usual strictly history.. She asked me how I "cope with the loss".. my standard answer for this is "it's been 11 years, I'll never be over it.. but it DOES get easier"  I still have my triggers.. and sometimes they come out of no where.. the worst is music, I LOVE LOVE LOVE music Hilary Weeks has a few songs that if I don't prepare myself I'll fall into a ball of tears and it's usually when I'm driving a car full of kids somewhere, I have also had this happen a hand full of times while I'm SINGING... I can practice the song over and over but when it's time to perform the song and the spirit is strong something will hit me a different way and its over and BTW I cannot sing and cry.. maybe some people can but I REALLY can't my throat tightens and I can't get out any sound it's really ugly!!!  Another way is we don't hide Lane or his memory.. we from the very start told the boys they could always speak about him ask any question or talk about him ANYTIME ANYWHERE!!! (this hasn't always been easy but our policy has served us very well) We have constant reminders that he was HERE, he was REAL.. he was/is our Son and Brother.. we have the picture at the top of this post in our front room we have his Hand and Foot prints in our back/living room with the receiving blanket/toy?? I was given when they took Lane away to the Children's hospital, I know it's to try to leave moms with something to do while their babies are away they said to put it under my hospital gown when I slept that it would gain my sent (it really did) and that we could bring it with us when we saw Lane for the first time so he could still smell me when I was away from the hospital.. of coarse I did it but when he died I kept it.. for a while it still smelled like him (lets be real, it smelled like hospital) now it doesn't but its just a small thing we keep out.. (its pictured below)

we also have the picture we displayed at his funeral (see below).. We probably wouldn't have had a traditional church funeral for Lane had we not made the decision to bury him in Arkansas (we lived in TX, Dallas area, we would have done just a graveside service) but we had 20 days of non-stop love and support an wonderful friends who really took care of us for those 3 weeks that we felt like we really owed it to them to have one BUT I had some very specific ideas of what I wanted.. some of which the Funeral  Director didn't necessarily agree with, she was awesome don't get me wrong really an angel on earth taking care of parents who loose babies.. she took great pains to prepare his body and make him look like a porcelain doll BUT I wanted a closed casket.. I felt very protective of him and really didn't want anyone who didn't know and love him to see him.. I didn't want a viewing (again Funeral Director tried to convince us otherwise but we wouldn't listen)... SO to sort of appease her we quickly developed the one and only picture we have of Both Ben and I Holding Lane for the first time after he was transferred to the Children's hospital

I also have a scrapbook that is Just Lane's.. all of the other kids are all mixed in together but I did one whole book just for him,  don't look at it nearly as much as I use to but there are moments when I need to and I do and let my self feel what I need to at that moment...

Thankfully I can see the blessings there was a time I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to say that so that's something!

So this has turned into kind of a ramble for that I'm sorry My intent was to share how I cope... moral of the story is I just DO... most days are good some moments hurt but I'm anticipating I'll have those kind of moments for the rest of my life and that's OK..

Happy Mothers day all.. I know there are lots out there who are in the same boat as me but I am SO thankful for All of my Children!!! I have and continue to learn so much from them all and can't wait for the day when we will all be reunited together and can sit and laugh about this wonderful journey we are on!

ta ta

Post Note: so after re-reading this I feel like I need to scrap it and do it over BUT I'm going to resist the temptation.. if you don't know or whole story you can look here or here or here for past blog posts about Lane's journey to the Fox's and our journey after...