thur-mon May 26-29, 2000

So I took the weekend off (plus Friday I guess too)... its been not so surprising that getting all this stuff down onto something tangible that someone other than me reads is a bit of an emotional roller coaster.. add onto it the normal/daily teenage issues we have going on here at home and you get one cranky mom so my goal originally (although I didn't share it) was to have it all done by tomorrow Lane's Birthday... not so sure that is going to happen but we'll see...


Thursday May 16, 2000
Well, things were so crazy yesterday that I didn't catch a second to write so its catch up, we decided NOT to do another surgery. But Dr Heinle doesn't think we should give up yet, his urine out-put isn't good but he is producing some so his kidneys are still working some but not well, Lane is very swollen, his Little legs that I use to joke were so skinny are puffed up and hard his little feet are pretty purple and his Blood Pressure and SATS are in the 60's.. and they want them in the 70's so all in all he isn't doing good!  But there is part of me that wants to stick it out just a little while longer oh also the people have arrived, Mom, Dad Grandma Merry are here along w/ Jack, Jody Ashley, Jeff also Aunt Adrienne flew in and Jon and Lynn car-a-vanned down w/ the kids... on top of that Tritia and Theron arrived...   we are doing Hunter's birthday this afternoon on the military base Lynee arranged for all the family to stay at He is very excited for that... We got the boys back last night we had a good time, BUT this morning the honeymoon was OVER, the boys weren't acting good at all but they are with mom and dad now and we'll see them again this afternoon.  Dr Heinle Just came by, he said we are probably about the same as we were yesterday no worse and no better and he's at least been stable Dr Heinle hasn't gotten any calls about Lane for 2 nights but we need to see him move forward with in the next couple of days and if he doesn't we'll sit down again and decide what we are doing. Dr Heinle also said that they have a test for enzymes only given off when tissue is Damaged and those enzymes #'s look almost in the normal range which means his not haven't continuous damage.  It does NOT tell us if the muscle is repairing or healing itself only that he's not having continuous damage, which is good.  But we've got to see the kidneys work more by the end of the weekend.  So we've got kind of a time line right now, gives us time to really feel good or bad about what we are doing and we have something specific to pray for.
anyway, that's all for now...

Baby Oscar died last night.. we are soo soo sad...

so here's a side note before I go on.. I didn't write again until the 29th the day AFTER Lane died, here's what my memory can recall of those few days Thursday we had Hunter's  2nd birthday party it was great, honestly I was so grateful to all of my family for pulling it together on such short notice, after all the presents, cake etc. we sat down with both our parents and what ever family wanted to be included and told them what we were thinking, that the end was probably in view and our plan was if it came to removing care we were going to  hold Lane for the last time, we told everyone we wanted just our parents and Grandma Merry present, that we weren't sure how it would all roll out but we didn't want hurt feelings but with allot of people we wanted our wishes clear.. everyone agreed and although we had no clue if it would be 1 day or 1 month we would hold on until LANE and the dr's told us it was time... also, we had placed a DNR (do not resuscitate) order on Lane on Friday afternoon, which meant they would still give him medicine and keep him vented (and adjust it as necessary) keep him comfortable but would do no heroic measures ie: chest compressions, shocking heart etc. etc. putting this into context also Brad was 4 yrs, and Hunter just turned 2 yrs old... OK back to the journal

Monday May 29, 2000 Memorial Day
Well, where do I begin, First off Lane died yesterday at around 8:30am, we got a call around 5:30am telling us that Lane's BP was gradually falling all night the nurse didn't think it was anything immediate but she just wanted to let us know. Ben and I REALLY felt impressed that we should go right then, so we did and I am so glad we did. when we got there his BP was even lower than what it was when the nurse called me so thinks didn't look good, when we got their Lane hadn't peed  hardly at all and he was still getting in so much the dr said he had taken in 400cc's and only out put less than 200cc's and they were still giving him lots so thinks didn' look good the dr suggested that we might want to hold him and we decided that YES that would be a good idea the Dr also suggested that wile Mandy (the nurse) was getting him set up to be able to be held we should get something to eat so we did we ate outside so we could use the cell phone better and while we were out there a nurse came and asked if we were mr and mrs Fox and if so we needed to come NOW! when we got there Mandy shot up from the chair and handed Lane to me, what had happened was that Mandy had sat down w/ him to see if everything was leveled correctly and the lines were long enough etc. and while she was doing that his pace maker stopped catching and his heart rate was about 65 bpm, and she got scared and told Lane to just chill out until we could get there, we got there and since the pacemaker wasn't catching they took that off and his heart just kept getting weaker and weaker and we held him for a good half an hour and his heart stopped he stayed asleep and paralyzed so it was very peaceful and he didn't feel a thing which is very comforting to Ben and I.  We were having to face making this decision and we are glad we didn't have to; Lane made the decision and we really feel he waited until we were ready and although it was the hardest thing I've ever done I don't regret ANYTHING! we had 3 very hard weeks with him but the experiences we had with him have touched us deeply and I wouldn't exchange them for anything.  Anyway we sat down w/ Bradley yesterday and told him, I felt pretty helpless because I didn't have any idea what to say, we just told him that Lane died, and went to live with Heavenly Father and he wasn't coming back and mommy and daddy are very sad but we can talk about Lane when ever we want and we can ask questions when ever he wants, Brad asked about an hour later if the Baby was still in my tummy, and I told him that no remember he got to see Lane right after he cam out of my tummy and that Lane was very sick when he was born and remember what we talked about earlier? that Lane died and he lives with Heavenly Father now, he he said he remembered but then asked WHY? and we told him sometimes we don't know why things happen but they do! and that has been it since yesterday. Ben and I are meeting with the Funeral Home today. more decisions to make the boys are up and active I'll write more later...
Ben and I are at the Lake he asked me yesterday if I would go with him for a few hours and I said Of Coarse! Sam is watching the boys (though they are asleep anyway) this gives us time to talk and reflect and me to get this up to date I've read through my last couple of entries and I've messed all to so I'll try to update now, but first what happened today. We went to the funeral home we went through all the process of picking out a casket, setting up a time etc. and doing through all the details we found a cemetery that doesn't charge for baby plots and its nice and well maintained which was our criteria Jon and Lynee went up today and found it for us. they were great for doing that, Jon has had a real hard time w/ this he took Ben aside and told him to let HIM know if there are too many people around etc. and that he's take care of it for us if there was..But all and all everyone has been pretty good, Amber (jody's girlfriend) and her parents came in yesterday we are a little confused but that's OK we guess mom and dad said they were kind of put up against a wall about them coming but anyway they are here..
I called Valerie today to make sure she was OK, she was crying and upset but she said she was keeping herself "in check" and not over doing it ** she was very pregnant with her first child at the time** I explained that we know that Lane is in a better place and that we are really lucky to have him even though it was a short time... more tomorrow...


So there is Lane's whole life in my Journal.. I have about 4 or 5 more entries about the funeral and our dealings after Lane's death.. I think I'm going to wait a bit to post those.. perhaps AFTER the anniversary of his death.. we'll see howI feel.. i'm still feeling VERY vonerable and a bit Raw, about posting all of this and we'll see if I end up un-publishing it... we'll see... love to you all
ta ta