7 years ago todayit's amazing, I looked at the Calendar and realized that 7 years ago today I gave birth to a baby boy. In so many ways he's invisible.. in others he's ever present in scrapbooks and pictures hanging next to the alive kids in my living room... in years past i would anticipate this day fearing my grief would override my day... when i taught pre-school I'd ask for the weeks of his Birth and death off, just to be sure i wouldn't fall apart in front of poor 3 & 4 year old who wouldn't understand.. heck i didn't even understand.. Now I'm not fearing falling apart and today i can look upon the whole thing and even smile.. remembering like it was yesterday the doctor during one of my thousands of stress tests "Your having a baby today"... and the chaos that ensued trying to get mother in law's picked up from the airport and baby sitter lined up for the 3 week early delivery... then the Surgical Nurse saying "you'll be chasing 3 boys around in no time".. that one rings a little...
Don't get me wrong i don't get it.. i don't understand why we had to go through 3 1/2 weeks of utter Hell but i guess I'm not as angry and i can see what we have learned through it all and are SILL learning from all of it.. I think I've stopped imagining what my life would be like today had Lane lived.. i mean i would have 3 boys running around everywhere but his future was such an unknown we probably wouldn't have KayLea here with us so it's not a future i can really picture now.. Sad in a way, but Necessary and great that we have "moved on"... i hate that saying.."moved on".. but there really isn't anything else to describe it.. there are days i want to shout I HAD 4 BABIES!! and there are days where it's OK that people don't know...

Hunter's birthday's (3 days after Lane's... this Friday) have vastly improved in the last few years.. the first few years after Lane were awful birthdays.. thankfully he was little and hopefully doesn't remember the birthday cake that took me the better part of a day to make (when it really only should have taken me an hour or so) that spilled onto the counter face down (because i accidentally dropped it moving it to the table) that i just sobbed over.. the birthday's that i just had such a hard time pulling it together for him... This year my big boy turning 9 is excited about his "big boy" birthday that he has actually chosen the vast majority of his presents.. and a gift card is what he's most excited about to get to choose himself...

I gave a talk in Relief Society about our experiences with Lane a few months ago and the thing i came up with was Lane and all we learned etc.. has changed the DNA of our family.. my kiddo's know that babies die, they asked the question at age 4 and 6 "will this baby die?" when they were eagerly awaiting KayLea's birth.. But they also have had to come to try to understand at a very early age the plan Heavenly Father has for us.. I'm sure they don't get it fully (not sure I did before Lane).. But i guess that's something to be thankful for...

I am happy.. I am so thankful for my family warts and all.. If i try to picture what life would be like had things worked out differently i picture a life far different from the one i live today so as for today i choose not to think about that.. call it denial call it a coping technique.. but for today i choose to live in the present and be thankful for my experiences because they are what make the DNA of me and my family...
if you've made it this far thanks for sticking with the ramble...

(the above painting is an origional by My Mom Cathy Lane in 2004 of all 4 of my babies, as babies.. from top going clockwise, Bradley, Hunter, Lane and KayLea)