just a for-warning, although i'm trying hard to stay positative it i never really know how the words will come out on the screen so continue at your own risk.. don't feel obligated to read on REALLY!!! Well, another year has passed.. 8 years ago today i had a little boy... I really don't want to be redundant and re-do last years post but these momentus years kind of get to me a little harder than the others last one that got to me was 5, the year he'd have started school.... this year i would have been planning another baptism.. letting him pick who would speak.. getting family into town... i'm sure do more sight seeing etc.. i find my self wondering what his personality would have been like.. what would have the dinamic of 3 boys been like.. then i do think would KayLea even be here had he lived?? and i already know the answer to that probably not! and i cant imagine a life with out her so do I have a right to complain??... probably not...Last Night Hunter had a melt down in the car.. he found out yesterday that he'll be missing a field trip while we are in Utah.. it's actually kind of a boring one anyway but he of coarse kept saying over and over "it's not fair"... thats kind of how i feel today.. it's not fair!!! I have an amazing life.. i really have NOTHING to complain about.. I have learned so much, and still continue to from the experience of having and loosing Lane that i feel almost guilty even harboring even the slightest bit of hard feelings towards that experience but i DO! i guess that means i'm human.. and it means i'm a Mom.. Sometimes it almost feels like it wasn't real.. then i make myself look at his book I see the lock of hair or i just gaze at the plaster hand and foot print we have displayed on our bookcase.. sometimes it feels like proof and other times its somehow some one elses' story.. how could have we gone through all that and still be standing.. let alone be happy! the 20 days he was alive when we were going through it felt like years now it seems like barly a blip.. it now feels like it was 20 years ago somehow in a different life.. but it wasn't it was this life!!! This is what i know for sure... I know we are an Eternal Family... I know He is our prize at the end of this life.. getting to be able to know and raise him as if no time had passed.. i'm not all together sure what that will look like i just KNOW it to be true.. I know he is not in need of the Baptism that I am dreaming about he died PERFECT.. with out sin, which is why he got the E-Ticket straight to our Father in Heavens arms!!! that does give me allot of comfort.. i also know i'm going to be ok.. i have to let myself have these sad days i have to feel these feelings or else i'll burst and that just wouldn't be fair (or pretty!) to my family... i know i LOVE my family ALL of them.. with out them i would truley wollow in self pitty and anger.. Brad, Hunter and KayLea along with Ben of coarse, give me Joy and although some tears are flowing now Lane also gives me joy... enough ranting i'll be ok really!!!
thanks for sticking with this so far if you made it your sure are a trooper!
ta ta
5 comments:
Dang it - you're making me CRY!!!
I'm joining you in my tears as I go back and remember. I felt so guilty having had my own baby right after Lane and having her be healthy. I couldn't bear to show my face at his funeral so I stayed home.
I remember coming to comfort you as soon as I heard of his death, but first waiting for my husband so I wouldn't have to take the baby with me. Instead, YOU ended up comforting ME as I cried for your empty arms. You're right, it is NOT fair and sometimes, it's okay to wallow just a little bit. Even Jesus cried and he is our example.
When my own baby brother died at 3 months and my niece at 3 weeks, I tried to find comfort in knowing that these were such strong and righteous spirits that the Lord needed them right now, rather than later. I know that one of my own biggest fears is losing a child, and I've come close too many times to want to keep count.
I have to tell you that I was AMAZED and left standing in AWE as I watched the great strength, quiet, peace and dignity that you carried yourself with. I don't know how you did it.
Should I EVER (God forbid) find myself in a similar situation, I will remember your example. The way that you remembered to keep parenting and living for the family you still had and living for yourself.
You are an amazing woman and a blessing to your family, now and for generations to come.
I love you girl!!!!
I can't believe it's been 8 years! It's good to remember that he's still a part of our family. I'm glad that you write about him.
Hey,
you know I love ya, right? You are a great person. :) true story friend. :)
hey KyLene. of course i never knew about this sad event, but i know that 8 years makes little difference and it's easy to feel the pain anytime the thought flits through your heart. My sister lost a baby a few years ago and it always, always hurts to remember it. so imagine a lame-o internet hug from me.
Ky,
Just sitting here finishing up a 3 a.m. feeding and catching up on your blog. I read this one, then linked to last year's and bawled reading them both. You are an amazing, strong woman. I know I can not fully appreciate the gravity and grief that you went through, but your strength and your courage is such an example. Holding my little one now, I can not imagine being without him. I realize from reading what you've written how tough it has been to move past this and I think it's truly a gift how you are able to share this experience with other people. Comforting to those who have walked that path before, and humbling and inspiring to those who just share in the humanity of it all.
Love you Ky...and hope to see you before too long.
Sarah
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